Of laughter and forgetting

The past beats within me like a second heart


At times I wonder life could have been so easy if we did not have memories.

the power that memories have over us is phenomenal, coz i can't remember a song witout remembering you, not one festival without knowing how we had wished each other, what special we had planned and executed. Not one special occasion, my first job, first salary without remembering how we had celebrated yours.

The weather reminds me of you. the chill in the air does, my terrace does, the wall where i have spent endless hours talkin to u on the phone does, me draped in a shawl, chattering my teeth and braving the cold to talk to u does. The mirror does, my dresses do, the teddy tat u gifted looks wit his deep blue eyes and questions if I still love him, if yes why don't i pick it with the same fervour, caress him and kiss him endless, why don't i talk about him to someone? i look bak at him very feebly without knowin what to say but then i don't wanna break his heart coz i kno the deafening silence and the piercing pain that comes along and i can never do that, give that to someone that i loved, someone that i hav looked into the eyes of, held near my heart.
you also remind of all the times i have slipped into sweet slumber with my pillow all wet, of swollen eyes the next morning. the feeling of knowing that the one u love the most is upset with something that is not really your mistake, does not want something to happen which is essentially very important for you. is asking for things to happen in the name of love and believes that if it does not it is because of the lack of love or maybe adequate love. You remind of the fact that one is never to take favours, never, not even from people we love coz someday we might have return them, maybe at a much higher price and till then we will be reminded that we are living with favours.

I feel queer, I don't kno wat to feel about you, Good or Bad. Happy or very Sad. and the worst part is that i cannot keep away the feeling. i cant let go of it.

It haunts me, chokes me, never leaves me alone

as if it is a part of my existence. I feel dizzy, i know it can't carry on like this because i can't take it much longer.

Of joys and jocundity

A bright morning, I leaped out of my room and viewed the sky longingly. It's been so long that I have seen a nice gush of wind caressing my face so lovingly, there is just one way we can move from in here, this necessarily needs to be followed by rainfall that has the pure might to percolate right down to the soul.

I said a silent prayer, wishing for a wonderful spate of rainfall and carried on with the daily grind.

The day carried on with its usual ups and downs, greats and oh what a goof ups! and the like. Won't get into into the sundry details about the day or I will never be able to finish with what I had started to write.

While I was coming back home and there was a considerable hour to go before I was to reach my destination I curled up in my seat thinking about a million random things at one go.

All of a sudden the sky took on a different colour and within a few minutes it was pittter patter rain drops all the way.

My joys knew no bounds, there are certain things that have a strange intoxicating effect on me and this was certainly one of them. I rolled down the window and pushed my head out to fell the gush of winds billowing my tresses and the scent of fresh raindrops on dry earth. The whole environment was taking on a colour that was so infective so jocund. All I knew was I was high, high on life.

I was totally overpowered by the chill in the gushing wind and the rain fed changing visuals outside the moving car. The only thought that was in my mind was that ''oh, how do I wish this particular journey with the very same set of circumstances just carries on forever, I just wish I never have to leave this seat of peace and tranquility.'' Quite a stupid thought but I was feeling as if the rain at this particular moment(when I was outdoors, through with my office) was specially planned by some demi-God, exclusively for me.

I have no idea how much time it kept raining and for how long had I been basking in the glory of one of the prettiest poses of nature. But then all of a sudden I became aware of something and the particular awareness swept all over me like a plague, the happiness just evaporated and a sad silent melancholy overpowered me. There was this pavement, and a small 6ft bush on it, I could have called it a tree, but I will not.

And there was this family, street dwellers probably who were trying their level best to huddle below the bush. An odd 15 people of all age groups, probably of the same family tree or at least sharing the same neighbourhood were trying desperately to save them selves from the down pour with the help of the particular aid. Needless to say they were not successful. This particular visual was before me not for more than a minute max to max but them what it did to me was phenomenal.

I loved rains, I hope I still do but then I am sure I will not be able to love them with the same fervour, that of of a lover who has never been deceived, offended or cheated by his/her beloved.

Everyday life is taking away some innocence from me in one way or the other. There were things I was blissfully ignorant about and owing to that my joys were of a immature but untouched kind but now I am losing out on that.

They say I am growing up, I am seeing the wondrous ways of the world. I am gathering experience and the like...........but at times I wonder is it really so.
If this is what worldly wisdom is I think I am a pretty satiated individual in my own ignorant utopia.


This is one of the times I am sure that I have said almost all I had to, I just feel bottled up, as if there is still stuff that needs to come out but I am not sure how.
Well herez waiting for the rains, or probably this time round a drizzle would be enough.