red - the time has just frozen

The light went red and my car came to a screeching halt. I was already late and road mannerisms were the last thing on my mind. Why, why do we have traffic lights and why so many, now ofcourse the traffic aint that unmannerly. We sure could do away woth a couple of them, they are a sure waste of resources.

I was at my economy related philosophical best trying to calculate how much of resources can be saved and put to better use if a couple of hundred such traffic lights were uprooted.

Generally not a person sporting such a grumpy disposition I had reasons for my foul mood. The sweltering heat of Delhi coupled with an air conditioner that betrayed me at the most testing times were the culprits.

Anywayz I gazed at the traffic lights and waited impatiently for them to turn green,I was at my attentive best, at a point of time even counting the seconds flying by. Just then I saw a beggar trotting along to my open car window, a slight displeasure passed my thoughts and I sat there pulled between the twin potent emotions of feeling sorry for the person and at the same time remembering the statistics of the the moolah these fake beggars rake in and the stories of how easily they make a fool of all of us ,us the up market ,suave and successful people.
''No, not a penny from me , I know he belongs to the same bandwagon''. As this thought whriled in my mind and took deep roots I faked indiffrence. The beggar looked imploringly at me, kept pleading, cajoling me in the name of God, his hunger and his open wounds . I looked straight ahead as if there was this phantom speaking ,non-existent, without a soul without a responsibilty towards and all along, me probably without a conscience.
The seconds became more umbearable, I could no longer stand it. Why dosent he just move away. Why dosent he try his luck elsewhere, try to fool somebody else or maybe why dosent he go to a peron who will not waste his time, give him something for all this whining. a hundred thoughts came and went in my mind. Oh I am so heartless so cruel, sure I waste a hundred times more than what I could possibly shell out for him here. but no I maintained the absent look on my face, as if I had switched myself off and forgotten where the switch for switching myself on lay. Dumb, unresponsive, absent.

All of a sudden the lights turned yellow and in a fraction of seconds green. My brain had signalled my reflexes and in less than a second I was off, speeding away to my destination, becoming aware of the lapse in time, my deadline, the car speeding from behind. In all this somewhere the emotional baggage I had picked up a couple of minutes back was being dropped unknowigly and unconciously.

I am amazed at myself and so at all the people around me who are so comfortably living in this parallel world of concious and unconsious where at the same moment they are both so so alert while being so indiffrent to their surroundings as suiting their needs.

metamorphosis

I lay there with my eyes shut, listening to the soft gurgling sound. There was warmth all around me , I felt safe, very safe, I was the most secure and pampered soul at the moment Nothing could shake the cocoon I lay so royally wrapped in.

I woke up to the sound of somebody talking to me. It was a very soft sound, one that could easily be termed as a whisper ,somebody was speaking to me with all the love and tenderness that can poured out in terms of vocal sounds. I could really not make much sense of what was being said but the feel of it was very very nice. i thought it was a lullaby meant to put me to sleep and I closed my eyes shut ,before I knew it I had slipped into deep slumber.

My eyeballs were showing movement beneath my eyelids, scientifically they say that this happens when one is dreaming. I guess I was.That was all I did back then, dream and dream till I could turn or topple over and have another dream to keep me engrossed. going by all the experience that I was blessed with back then I wonder what it was dreaming about which kept me going days at length.

Wait there I hear a new sound , no its not all that pleasent, not at all like the sounds that i am fed almost on a daily basis, but I like it, its keeping me alert and awake, its like .....well I cant explain ,I hope I will someday. But my only concern at the moment is that I cant go back to sleep.

This place is getting smaller, I want to stretch my hands and legs, I wanna topple over and move out but on the hindsight I liek this place , its secure warm and cozy. There is someone very nice who speaks to me in a very soft and pleasent tone and although I cannot make a word of what is being spoken to me but I associate to it immensly. I wish I can live here forever provided ofcourse this place expands a bit.

Of late I have been hearing a lot of talking outside, its as if there is a world outside of where i am, made up of sounds ,sounds and more sounds the sounds seem to be everywhere coming in from all directions. at times there are loud sounds rushing in and at times soft, I wonder what is it thats going on , who is making all that sound and what is about to happen, there are times when I want to peep out and see for myself what is it all about but I see no outlet and frankly I dont mind
its nice in here, and I am staying here as long as I want to.

''let there be spaces in ur togetherness, let the winds of heaven dance between u..............''



khalil jibran was perhaps one man who had seen it all , felt it all and been through it all. i wish i cud at all times carry wit myself such understanding.

many a times we become so so engrossed wit things ,situations, and people around us that we fail to realise that our existense is one that is not bound by all that is around us, all that is situational, and sadly all that is superficial and short-lived. i for my part the foot loose fancy free person who believes in living life for the moment art times totally forget what the larger goal is what the larger issue is, momentarily i get so swept away by the hurriedly happenin events, that i wud not be wrong if i said that i completly loose myself.

one wud say tat well that is so gud, ppl wud love to be in ur shoes ,to get away get over from all the sudry details of life. i guess tatz true but then wat does one do when he jst cant pull himself back. the primary problem being u dont know where u were probably coz u were in so many places, wit so many ppl, doin so many things n now al of a sudden wen all tat is no longer there u suddenly luk into the mirror n ask urself ''who m i?'' is it tat u hav been livin so much wit ppl, matching up to them, and matching situations tat u hav lost track of who u are



if the answer lies anywhere i jst hope it finds its way to me coz u cant believe how desperately i am lookin for it. for a question so complicated i know the ans dare not be easy but a am game for it.