Of laughter and forgetting

The past beats within me like a second heart


At times I wonder life could have been so easy if we did not have memories.

the power that memories have over us is phenomenal, coz i can't remember a song witout remembering you, not one festival without knowing how we had wished each other, what special we had planned and executed. Not one special occasion, my first job, first salary without remembering how we had celebrated yours.

The weather reminds me of you. the chill in the air does, my terrace does, the wall where i have spent endless hours talkin to u on the phone does, me draped in a shawl, chattering my teeth and braving the cold to talk to u does. The mirror does, my dresses do, the teddy tat u gifted looks wit his deep blue eyes and questions if I still love him, if yes why don't i pick it with the same fervour, caress him and kiss him endless, why don't i talk about him to someone? i look bak at him very feebly without knowin what to say but then i don't wanna break his heart coz i kno the deafening silence and the piercing pain that comes along and i can never do that, give that to someone that i loved, someone that i hav looked into the eyes of, held near my heart.
you also remind of all the times i have slipped into sweet slumber with my pillow all wet, of swollen eyes the next morning. the feeling of knowing that the one u love the most is upset with something that is not really your mistake, does not want something to happen which is essentially very important for you. is asking for things to happen in the name of love and believes that if it does not it is because of the lack of love or maybe adequate love. You remind of the fact that one is never to take favours, never, not even from people we love coz someday we might have return them, maybe at a much higher price and till then we will be reminded that we are living with favours.

I feel queer, I don't kno wat to feel about you, Good or Bad. Happy or very Sad. and the worst part is that i cannot keep away the feeling. i cant let go of it.

It haunts me, chokes me, never leaves me alone

as if it is a part of my existence. I feel dizzy, i know it can't carry on like this because i can't take it much longer.