...............................

I am sorry,
I don't really mean to be mean, but I don't know why
there is a transformation that happens.

I know you love to whisper the three magic words, over and over again, you are like enchanted, engulfed into the magic of them, and you try to recreate the magic for me.

But tell you what sweetheart, that is the most magical thing about magic, it can't be created, it either is born at the first twinkle of the eye or its just an illusion that we carry all our lives.

Tell me something, are we really mean to people who love us like hell. Does the surety that we will be loved in the face of anything and everything bring out the worst in us.

At times to see if its true and at others out of the bold crazy confidence. Oracles through the ages have professed that love ought to beget nothing but love. Tell me is that true? You certainly must have an idea...

They say love is the most basic thing, the most primary the most primitive, but then why is so complicated then, why then it ain't the easiest thing on the face of earth, and yes why doesn't it always lead to gaiety, laughter, surprises.

I know you love me, lots and lots and lots. Honey promise me you shall some day bring me the answer to these questions. Your princess has just lost her way into the jungle.
I wonder if price charmings do actually gallop in on their white horses
or is that we discover them, at times somewhere in the jungle and at others as the faithful companion treading the jungle alongside...........

Dawns and dusks

The fog was so thick we could barely see ten feet before us. The familiar surroundings looked as if enveloped in a ghostly aura all around them. The chill was fresh and welcome and we continued our stroll down the hillock.

There is something about walks that is very special, be it a solitary one where one is surrounded by thoughts, ideas and memories or the ones where we have company, company to share the long strides uphill, the lazy walk downhill, the fresh air, the various sights and sounds.

We moved at a leisurely pace, at times rubbing our hands for the elusive warmth at others puffing our way up. I blew smoke rings and smiled at myself, another of the reasons i love winters, it kind of brings the non-smokers at par to the smokers.

Not really in a mood to lose the value of the enchanting morning we walked silently. But then with people you are in total harmony silence too has a rhythm. The strides, the gait, the pace, the nature all around doesn't really leave any need or space for conversation.

The road like any other road just went on and on, at times I wish life could be one long winding road, enveloped in a foggy morning that just refuses to finish. Mind you the road and the morning, both of them.

When I was a little girl I was always scared of nights, I not very sure what but there was something that just used to scare me to bits. I just wished that night never comes about, when I grew a lil bit and realised that it was inevitable then all I wished was that the night passed away quickly giving way to mornings and a silent prayer against being left all alone one dark night, ever in my life.

That childhood feeling kinda made mornings more special, the days when I fail to wake up early, I feel there is something that I have missed, As if the day has been incomplete, without its soul.

A really optimistic friend of mine send me a forward one day which read something like '' God loves a a lot cause he gifts us one grand morning every day.'' How very true.

I wonder what we would have done had we not have mornings to fall back upon. They come as a fresh new start, a new stride, a obvious and the most natural genuine try. No wonder how bad the day has been tomorrow would most certainly be a new day. When we wake up the biggest if fights, fears, tragedies, mind you still remain but in some divine fashion we are detached from them. They are no longer right there throttling us to death. There is a night between them. The gravity may remain but the actual event is past and a series of nights and more nights make it a distant memory a phantom lurking somewhere in the shadows.

A very famous saying in Hindi goes like this, ''raat gayi baat gayi'' and how true. When the night comes forward to put the lid, it becomes much more easy to throw mud over it, turn around and walk away.....

The host and the 'hosted'

Something twirls all around me. Not really sure what, something like a money plant that needs support, but does the creeper know that its sapping its host of strength, hiding the host away from public eye, interfering with the sunlight meant for it.

But thatz how God decided creepers ought to be. Doing all this to extract their life strength.
Creepers live off the host, but is it all that they are about, is there anything else to them......

The one who says that he muses without a muse is a plain simple liar!

Hey tell me something, you lied to me then dint you. You think m too small, too immature to understand things. Even if i grow up i will still be immature as compared to you, hai na. You laughed when i said that, You know what I had actually believed that you genuinely found the concept funny, but now i realise that it was not the concept but me, or rather the irony of the fact that certain things of meant for certain people but some other person mistakes it for himself/herself.

You must have been really amused na! Well nice to know that i amused you for that one moment. You know what, this is the last time I will ever write for you. I felt bad, tremendously, you could have told me then and there that it ain't meant for you baby, it is someone else that i am trying to reach out to. i don't know why you don't tell me things frankly, do you think i am not mature enough to take it, well. you know every time i come to realise something like this, in the harder way, the not-so-straight way i get matured, much more and much more painfully that it ought to be.

they say you cannot hold someones love against them, believe i won't too, whatever it is, whoever it is, but then don't you think i deserve to know things in plain and simple terms. i know i do, you might not tell me but i do and that is fair enough.

Take care, the best of my wishes are for you.

Swayam

U ask me, if I trust u
U implore why I don't
But have u ever thot why I shud?

U mite hav ur reasons, and reasons galore,
But sweetheart, wen I look into ur eyes, somethin eludes me
M not sure what, it holds me back, it says a firm no


but i have been more of a star gazer than a mind reader.
I kno not whom to trust, i kno not how much to care


All I wish is that I am God's lucky girl.
And life plays a game that is fair.


But above this and beyond this I have something for life too
for every time u knock me down u tell me how strong I am


And what a magical being I am to rise out of my ashes
and spread the phoenix wings to circle the globe.

The tyranny of our times

Hi, before I begin with anything else a very happy Dusshera and Durga Puja to all u guys. I am a bit late, like a day or two but I guess that kind of delay is okay. Today what I wish to talk about has a lot to do with festivities, happiness, giving, taking and the feeling of joy and jocundity all around. Well a word of caution for all of you who think that it is another cliche write up which will tell you how happy we all feel at this time of the year, how it is the celebration of good over evil and how blessed we are for all of it.

I do not wish to get into the folklore of these two festivals as it not of prime importance at the given moment. But what is worth noting is that they have a lot to do with gaiety and happiness as any other festival true to its name. to cut the long story short my question, do occasions like these spell happiness for all, all and sundry, everyone around us? you might tell me that ''well mam, that happens to be very subjective, doesn't it ?'' No it does not. I will tell you why.

First have a good look at the pic and allow me to tell you the story behind it.

Underprivileged India bystanders gather ghee or clarified butter from a road after it had been poured onto a palli or fire in the village of Rupal some 45 kms. north of Ahmedabad, early 21 October 2007. Palli is celebrated on the ninth day of Navratri or nine nights Festival, in which ghee collected at some 27 spots from all over the the village is poured on a holy fire kindled atop a wooden frame, which is carried through the streets in a procession. (AFP Photo)

As a part of my job profile I had to work with this pic on the eve of Dussehra (lets call it D for reason of convenience). the time wen all kith and kin were calling up, text messaging to shower their blessings and congratulate me. and as far as i am concerned something in me was sinking. i could not believe my eyes. Okay its not about, what comes first to the mind. What every normal person worth his name will tell you, there are poor people and there are rich and thatz how the world is. but then the world sucks, and don't pardon me for this unpolitical language. I hate it, tell me something when was the last time that you felt bad to spend, to indulge. Or should i ask, did u ever? Coz I do, almost everyday. I feel bad for whatever meagre that I am blessed with when I see the people who are not. A friend of mine tells me that life is not fair. Okay might not be. My granddad tells me its to do wit karma, u sow what you reap. either in this lifetime or the next. maybe, I am too small to deal with the Karmic cycle but then all said and done this aint happenin, not for me at least.

You kno wat our nation is the country that is the highest cinema making nation of the world. Our Bollywood spins more flicks than any other nation in the world, and that is when we are still a third world developing nation. You all must be aware of the kind of money that gets pumped into the cine world. tell me, can we afford it, do we really need it, i wonder. all of it when so many of us go to sleep hungry while so many spent a 150 bucks to say that ''it was shit ya, wasted my money''. Don't we all share the same air space, the same roads the same globe. doesn't it feel sickening to see so much pain, agony, hopelessness all around us. I guess it does , for me at least.

For instance take the pic mentioned above, now how can society go on spilling tons of ghee on the roads when there are scores of people who will fish it out of the muck. what are they trying to prove, that they are affluent, they are powerful in terms of money. I might sound crazy but this is what drives me crazy.

A couple of years bak i had the misfortune to visit the acclaimed Akshardham temple of Ahmedabad, its famous for a lot of reasons but i remember it for the terrorist encounter that took place there. Now i could go on length about the place the kind of money squandering that goes on and a lot more jazz but will tell u something related to the next big D, Diwali. At D the entire temple is decorated with 10,000 lamps fuelled with Shuddh desi ghee, mind u Shuddh desi ghee. The guy who was takin us around said that beaming with pride and looked at us with a deep desire of being acknowledged. I looked at his face and gave him the expression that, shit u are nuts man. Who pays for all these ya, wat the heck, who really needs them. who is it who is on a life support of it. who is going to lose his appetite if this does not happen. no one. but then how the hell can you go ahead with stuff like this when u have lepers, old haggard men and women, little children pleading for alms right outside ur door. U are talkin of God, of love, compassion, sympathy and all u have on offer is 10,000 desi ghee lamps. You are the farthest you could go away from God.

I might be sounding very dissatisfied, but that is because I am. I can't comprehend the pseudo happiness that comes along with festivities and zeal to spend and show off recklessly that has become synonymous with it. How can we spend like this, how can we fake that we are happy or for that matter how can we be happy.

If I sound offensive then I am sorry. Take it as an inability to look at something from a view other than your own or else as the turmoils of a disturbed mind.

Of laughter and forgetting

The past beats within me like a second heart


At times I wonder life could have been so easy if we did not have memories.

the power that memories have over us is phenomenal, coz i can't remember a song witout remembering you, not one festival without knowing how we had wished each other, what special we had planned and executed. Not one special occasion, my first job, first salary without remembering how we had celebrated yours.

The weather reminds me of you. the chill in the air does, my terrace does, the wall where i have spent endless hours talkin to u on the phone does, me draped in a shawl, chattering my teeth and braving the cold to talk to u does. The mirror does, my dresses do, the teddy tat u gifted looks wit his deep blue eyes and questions if I still love him, if yes why don't i pick it with the same fervour, caress him and kiss him endless, why don't i talk about him to someone? i look bak at him very feebly without knowin what to say but then i don't wanna break his heart coz i kno the deafening silence and the piercing pain that comes along and i can never do that, give that to someone that i loved, someone that i hav looked into the eyes of, held near my heart.
you also remind of all the times i have slipped into sweet slumber with my pillow all wet, of swollen eyes the next morning. the feeling of knowing that the one u love the most is upset with something that is not really your mistake, does not want something to happen which is essentially very important for you. is asking for things to happen in the name of love and believes that if it does not it is because of the lack of love or maybe adequate love. You remind of the fact that one is never to take favours, never, not even from people we love coz someday we might have return them, maybe at a much higher price and till then we will be reminded that we are living with favours.

I feel queer, I don't kno wat to feel about you, Good or Bad. Happy or very Sad. and the worst part is that i cannot keep away the feeling. i cant let go of it.

It haunts me, chokes me, never leaves me alone

as if it is a part of my existence. I feel dizzy, i know it can't carry on like this because i can't take it much longer.

Of joys and jocundity

A bright morning, I leaped out of my room and viewed the sky longingly. It's been so long that I have seen a nice gush of wind caressing my face so lovingly, there is just one way we can move from in here, this necessarily needs to be followed by rainfall that has the pure might to percolate right down to the soul.

I said a silent prayer, wishing for a wonderful spate of rainfall and carried on with the daily grind.

The day carried on with its usual ups and downs, greats and oh what a goof ups! and the like. Won't get into into the sundry details about the day or I will never be able to finish with what I had started to write.

While I was coming back home and there was a considerable hour to go before I was to reach my destination I curled up in my seat thinking about a million random things at one go.

All of a sudden the sky took on a different colour and within a few minutes it was pittter patter rain drops all the way.

My joys knew no bounds, there are certain things that have a strange intoxicating effect on me and this was certainly one of them. I rolled down the window and pushed my head out to fell the gush of winds billowing my tresses and the scent of fresh raindrops on dry earth. The whole environment was taking on a colour that was so infective so jocund. All I knew was I was high, high on life.

I was totally overpowered by the chill in the gushing wind and the rain fed changing visuals outside the moving car. The only thought that was in my mind was that ''oh, how do I wish this particular journey with the very same set of circumstances just carries on forever, I just wish I never have to leave this seat of peace and tranquility.'' Quite a stupid thought but I was feeling as if the rain at this particular moment(when I was outdoors, through with my office) was specially planned by some demi-God, exclusively for me.

I have no idea how much time it kept raining and for how long had I been basking in the glory of one of the prettiest poses of nature. But then all of a sudden I became aware of something and the particular awareness swept all over me like a plague, the happiness just evaporated and a sad silent melancholy overpowered me. There was this pavement, and a small 6ft bush on it, I could have called it a tree, but I will not.

And there was this family, street dwellers probably who were trying their level best to huddle below the bush. An odd 15 people of all age groups, probably of the same family tree or at least sharing the same neighbourhood were trying desperately to save them selves from the down pour with the help of the particular aid. Needless to say they were not successful. This particular visual was before me not for more than a minute max to max but them what it did to me was phenomenal.

I loved rains, I hope I still do but then I am sure I will not be able to love them with the same fervour, that of of a lover who has never been deceived, offended or cheated by his/her beloved.

Everyday life is taking away some innocence from me in one way or the other. There were things I was blissfully ignorant about and owing to that my joys were of a immature but untouched kind but now I am losing out on that.

They say I am growing up, I am seeing the wondrous ways of the world. I am gathering experience and the like...........but at times I wonder is it really so.
If this is what worldly wisdom is I think I am a pretty satiated individual in my own ignorant utopia.


This is one of the times I am sure that I have said almost all I had to, I just feel bottled up, as if there is still stuff that needs to come out but I am not sure how.
Well herez waiting for the rains, or probably this time round a drizzle would be enough.

The obvious and the not so-obvious

Its really strange how all of us resist change, be it any form, for any reason or at any time. I have heard a lot of people airing their views ,opinions or more or less fears regarding the impeding and obvious change that is about to occur.


But I will like to believe that I resist it more than anyone I know of. Everytime I need to leave behind something, however obvious it might be, and move ahead, my heart shatters, I throw all tantrums, become more melodramatic than what I thought I was capable of and wail aloud.


It might be sounding very animated but nevertheless it is painful.


When I was to move out of school, away from my friends of 15 long years I thought things would never be the same. I would be shattered without my pampering support system, my peers who had helped me decide everything, from what to wear , where to eat, what to do, what could be a complete no-no. I felt like a lost pup, yelping away to glory, I ate up the ears and brains of anyone and everyone who was ready to give me a patient hearing, which fortunately I have always had a lot of (of late I have discovered that this is maybe because I sound very funny when I am up to all this). Well sorry for my customary deviation from what I had begun to speak about.


So school gave way to college, the much desired, long awaited freedom, where everything was supposed to be according to what we felt like, the loose control zone.....


College started and people who appeared as too thin, how fat!!!!, oh what a snob1, whatever and wow look at her hair, she makes me feel like a scarecrow on day one, became frenz, some gud some okay and some well ........


I had entered college with the wisdom granted by soothsayers, who were senior to me, since times immemorial that '' you wil never be able to make the kind of frenz u made in school, it will be jst frendship based on convenience........'' well if conditioning is something, let me tell u it's a big big thing. It took some time but fortunately time proved all of it wrong. I made some wonderful frenz, had one of the best times of my life, discovered and developed a completely new and different side of myself which I never knew existed. The yelping puppy developed a taste for the so called interllectual things and a hell lot of other things that are experiences, nostalgia, ecstacy, stuff that gives u an exclusive high but can't be shared.


Before I even knew it, as the cliche goes time had flown past, leaving me richer by a whole new set of frenz made for life, experiences to be cherished, lessons to be remembered for life. And then before I knew it I was wailing all over again with the same, oh God! I am gonna start working , its ''the real world'', m sure ppl are sitting there all ready to polish me off for lunch or dinner. Oh I cant bask in tat kinda glory mabbe jst snacks. Oh will I
ever make frenz again, oh Lord m gonna be all alone in this wide world of urs.
Back to my yelpin puppy ways......


About a month bak I entered my first office, one of the biggest media houses in the country (with the surity that there would be bigger maneaters out here), piled up with preconceived notions and a fear of the unknown I stepped in n went about wit my stuff, and after a series of goof ups and practical stupidity m still here , happy, rocking and above all satisfied. At the end of almost a month today I can say that although I don't know ppl here thru n thru they seem really nice, n the best part is I havent come across one single maneater.


This has taught me one thing , we as creatures of circumstances are not scared of change in itself but the baggage that shall come with it and more importantly the baggage that we wud hav to drop in case of the change, that which we have become so used to over the past days/years/months.


Change is scary because we see it as the losses we would incurr viewing the present but
what we fail to realise is that everything has an equal and opposite reaction i.e. loose some, gain some. Change will bring about new territories, new emotions, experiences, individuals et all,


All though m almost done wit all that I had to say but I need to add one very essential part, without which I guess the whole above said thing is meaningless.


We are all prisoners of what ppl tell us, what ppl believe and what has been happening always.
Somethings no doubt are written in blood and there are not many versions to it but on the hind sight how can we start new chapters of our life leave alone living it based on experiences of some other individual or individuals. We all are unique, blessed with our own set of shades of white black and very importantly grey. We are all creatures of circumstances having our own set of idiosyncrasies.


The situation of no two ppl on earth is same so essentially the reactions, experiences, inferences, all will be compulsorily different so its best to know what ppl say but they move forward with a uncluttered mind, which has a lot of space to feel, experience and cherish.


Essentially if the mind is clear and child like, life will be much much more easier, we wont crib, wont judge, wont try to read between the lines......


n believe me life at many times is actually as simple as it appears to be....with no complexities involved.

red - the time has just frozen

The light went red and my car came to a screeching halt. I was already late and road mannerisms were the last thing on my mind. Why, why do we have traffic lights and why so many, now ofcourse the traffic aint that unmannerly. We sure could do away woth a couple of them, they are a sure waste of resources.

I was at my economy related philosophical best trying to calculate how much of resources can be saved and put to better use if a couple of hundred such traffic lights were uprooted.

Generally not a person sporting such a grumpy disposition I had reasons for my foul mood. The sweltering heat of Delhi coupled with an air conditioner that betrayed me at the most testing times were the culprits.

Anywayz I gazed at the traffic lights and waited impatiently for them to turn green,I was at my attentive best, at a point of time even counting the seconds flying by. Just then I saw a beggar trotting along to my open car window, a slight displeasure passed my thoughts and I sat there pulled between the twin potent emotions of feeling sorry for the person and at the same time remembering the statistics of the the moolah these fake beggars rake in and the stories of how easily they make a fool of all of us ,us the up market ,suave and successful people.
''No, not a penny from me , I know he belongs to the same bandwagon''. As this thought whriled in my mind and took deep roots I faked indiffrence. The beggar looked imploringly at me, kept pleading, cajoling me in the name of God, his hunger and his open wounds . I looked straight ahead as if there was this phantom speaking ,non-existent, without a soul without a responsibilty towards and all along, me probably without a conscience.
The seconds became more umbearable, I could no longer stand it. Why dosent he just move away. Why dosent he try his luck elsewhere, try to fool somebody else or maybe why dosent he go to a peron who will not waste his time, give him something for all this whining. a hundred thoughts came and went in my mind. Oh I am so heartless so cruel, sure I waste a hundred times more than what I could possibly shell out for him here. but no I maintained the absent look on my face, as if I had switched myself off and forgotten where the switch for switching myself on lay. Dumb, unresponsive, absent.

All of a sudden the lights turned yellow and in a fraction of seconds green. My brain had signalled my reflexes and in less than a second I was off, speeding away to my destination, becoming aware of the lapse in time, my deadline, the car speeding from behind. In all this somewhere the emotional baggage I had picked up a couple of minutes back was being dropped unknowigly and unconciously.

I am amazed at myself and so at all the people around me who are so comfortably living in this parallel world of concious and unconsious where at the same moment they are both so so alert while being so indiffrent to their surroundings as suiting their needs.

metamorphosis

I lay there with my eyes shut, listening to the soft gurgling sound. There was warmth all around me , I felt safe, very safe, I was the most secure and pampered soul at the moment Nothing could shake the cocoon I lay so royally wrapped in.

I woke up to the sound of somebody talking to me. It was a very soft sound, one that could easily be termed as a whisper ,somebody was speaking to me with all the love and tenderness that can poured out in terms of vocal sounds. I could really not make much sense of what was being said but the feel of it was very very nice. i thought it was a lullaby meant to put me to sleep and I closed my eyes shut ,before I knew it I had slipped into deep slumber.

My eyeballs were showing movement beneath my eyelids, scientifically they say that this happens when one is dreaming. I guess I was.That was all I did back then, dream and dream till I could turn or topple over and have another dream to keep me engrossed. going by all the experience that I was blessed with back then I wonder what it was dreaming about which kept me going days at length.

Wait there I hear a new sound , no its not all that pleasent, not at all like the sounds that i am fed almost on a daily basis, but I like it, its keeping me alert and awake, its like .....well I cant explain ,I hope I will someday. But my only concern at the moment is that I cant go back to sleep.

This place is getting smaller, I want to stretch my hands and legs, I wanna topple over and move out but on the hindsight I liek this place , its secure warm and cozy. There is someone very nice who speaks to me in a very soft and pleasent tone and although I cannot make a word of what is being spoken to me but I associate to it immensly. I wish I can live here forever provided ofcourse this place expands a bit.

Of late I have been hearing a lot of talking outside, its as if there is a world outside of where i am, made up of sounds ,sounds and more sounds the sounds seem to be everywhere coming in from all directions. at times there are loud sounds rushing in and at times soft, I wonder what is it thats going on , who is making all that sound and what is about to happen, there are times when I want to peep out and see for myself what is it all about but I see no outlet and frankly I dont mind
its nice in here, and I am staying here as long as I want to.

''let there be spaces in ur togetherness, let the winds of heaven dance between u..............''



khalil jibran was perhaps one man who had seen it all , felt it all and been through it all. i wish i cud at all times carry wit myself such understanding.

many a times we become so so engrossed wit things ,situations, and people around us that we fail to realise that our existense is one that is not bound by all that is around us, all that is situational, and sadly all that is superficial and short-lived. i for my part the foot loose fancy free person who believes in living life for the moment art times totally forget what the larger goal is what the larger issue is, momentarily i get so swept away by the hurriedly happenin events, that i wud not be wrong if i said that i completly loose myself.

one wud say tat well that is so gud, ppl wud love to be in ur shoes ,to get away get over from all the sudry details of life. i guess tatz true but then wat does one do when he jst cant pull himself back. the primary problem being u dont know where u were probably coz u were in so many places, wit so many ppl, doin so many things n now al of a sudden wen all tat is no longer there u suddenly luk into the mirror n ask urself ''who m i?'' is it tat u hav been livin so much wit ppl, matching up to them, and matching situations tat u hav lost track of who u are



if the answer lies anywhere i jst hope it finds its way to me coz u cant believe how desperately i am lookin for it. for a question so complicated i know the ans dare not be easy but a am game for it.